Do children have a right to privacy?
Should they be allowed privacy? Do they need privacy? Some variation of this question tends to get an immediate reaction ranging from “Yeah! In their own house!” to “Of course! I even knock before I go in their room.” Most people land somewhere in the middle, which is “It depends.” It depends on what we mean by privacy, it depends on the age of the child, it depends on which child you’re talking about. However, everyone can agree that the biggest concern is safety. People have the worry that if you leave children alone they will get into something dangerous or harmful. I would like to challenge the idea that you have to know everything children are doing, at all times, in order to keep them safe. This is simply not true, at some point they have to learn how to explore the world on their own, in a way that is safe, but they need the space to develop and practice those skills while they are young.
It depends on what you mean…
Privacy is freedom from being observed or distrubed by others. Do children have the right to do things without someone watching, or listening? That’s what we’re asking. An important distinction to make is the different between privacy, and secrecy. Secrecy is usually the space where we find harmful behavior, because secrets are things that we hide. The definition, something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown, or unseen by others. The effort that it takes to cover a secret can involve lying, manipulation, isolation and so on, depending on how big of a secret it is. This is not the same as privacy, which is an exercise in boundaries and trust. When we try to hide, it’s usually because we believe we are doing something wrong, something that may cause guilt or shame. Privacy, and boundaries allow a person to reveal what they feel comfortable with, when they feel safe to do so. People who were never allowed private space as a child, carry this into adulthood. Learning respect for private spaces, feeling comfortable alone, these are interpersonal and self care skills that we learn and develop. During a discussion about privacy, a friend, reader, and mother of three, Alicia Perry stated “I think we put kids into this little bubble as if they’re not real humans and then they reach a certain age and we expect them to understand social norms when we’ve failed to truly teach them in the first place.”
Depends on the age…
Age appropriateness is always a factor to consider when dealing with children and teens. A three year old wanting to close the bathroom door while they take a bath, triggers a safety concern, but a teenager asking that you not barge into their room, is a reasonable request. To be fair, let’s just say below age 5 your kids are dependent on you to make sure they are safe, they don’t have the motor or cognitive skills to keep themselves away from danger. However as they age, and become more independent, they will want, and need privacy. As young as age 5, they may want something as simple as using the bathroom alone or uninterrupted. They may want you to leave the room while they change. As adults we like having privacy when handling our own body, so it’s no stretch to think that children would want the same. In fact, allowing your child to set boundaries and have privacy specifically with their body is a great way to help them learn body autonomy. Meaning their right to control what happens to and with their body. You allowing this space for privacy teaches them that having boundaries is okay. Respecting their privacy, teaches them how to respect your privacy, and the privacy of others. As children age, especially into a teen, and experience puberty, there will be a host of things changing with their body and they will need space to experience those changes alone. Having a foundation of open and safe communication, means that your child is more likely to come to you with questions or let you know if they think something is wrong. However, hovering over them, and bursting into private spaces will more than likely cause you child to shut down in your presence or not be able to feel comfortable even when they are alone for fear that someone is waiting to burst in. There are things that people like to do alone, just because they do not want another person's judgment, or opinions on their experience. It’s not always because of something dangerous. I may enjoy being a Dancing Queen when I’m alone, but with other people watching I do a cool two-step. Kids are not so different.
It’s not just about space…
Privacy also extends to thoughts. As children age they form their own thoughts about things going around them, some of those thoughts they may freely share, and others they may choose not to. It’s not much different from adults, we all have thoughts that others do not need to hear. It’s not because they are dangerous, they are simply not for anyone else’s ears. We have opinions that we may be okay telling a friend, but we don’t want our coworker to know. A family member may be doing something you don’t agree with, but you do not feel the need to say anything. You may wonder about things that you would never say aloud because you think it’s “weird”. These are all examples of private thoughts, none are likely to be harmful secrets, just things that don’t need to be said aloud. Children have private thoughts as well, they may even choose to tell those thoughts to a friend, another trusted adult, or express them through art or writing. Violating private thoughts could look like eavesdropping on conversations with friends, reading their journal or diary, retelling information they have shared with you to other family members or your own friends. As a therapist I have to add, this also includes trying to “overhear” their therapy sessions, or attempting to use the therapist to gain information. In the name of “safety” you may view this as just checking on things, making sure nothing is going on. However, if someone did these things to you, it would not help you feel safe, it would feel like a violation. In the name of safety, having open and safe communication with your child decreases the risk of them getting involved in harmful situations, and increases the chances that you will notice if something is wrong without digging for it. It will increase the chances that they may tell you some of those private thoughts, and even ask for help if they do not know what to do. This comes from a good foundation, and trusting that they are using skills you have been teaching them, to keep themselves safe while they explore the world.
If this feels foreign or you do not know how to start, begin slowly giving space and see what happens. Try asking yourself if your concern is truly about safety, or about control. Remember, privacy is about boundaries and trust.
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