Tips for improving communication

One thing I hear from a lot of parents is “I don’t know, my child doesn’t talk to me.” Then when I ask kids why they don’t talk to their parents, they’ll say their parents don’t talk to them! Or “they don’t listen anyway.” Lack of communication is a common problem in families. Here are some ways to help improve communication with your child.

1. What do you talk to your child about? Do you talk to them about things that interest them? A lot of times people are just running through a checklist of “small talk” items “How was your day, how was school? Nice weather we’re having.” Boring! Kids want to talk just as much as anybody else but like anybody else they want to talk about what actually interests them. If you don’t know what that is then ask! When they share an opinion, explore it! You can also share your interests, you’re their parent, they are curious about you too. Share your current thing or share about what you liked as a kid. This is meant to be a conversation and that implies back and forth exchange. If you are the only person talking you are monologing or lecturing, which brings me to the next question.

2. Does every interaction turn into a lecture? I’ve had so many kids tell me a list of tactics they have developed to avoid deeper conversation with adults. Many feel like if they spend too much time sharing it is just a matter of time before their parent latches onto something that will turn into a lecture, or somebody bringing up something they did wrong. How frustrating! Just imagine if every time you called your friend you came away with a list of things you needed to improve on. Not fun and it can cause people to shut down. Resist the urge to hammer in a point when they say something “childish” and instead explore it with them as part of the conversation. There is a time and a place for a good lecture, but make sure they don’t pop up into every exchange.

3. Listen! Truly listen, kids know when you’re not being genuine. They can tell when you don’t care about the new show they’re talking about. When you as an adult share something with a friend or partner, and they don’t respond with genuine interest, it can feel deflating and cause you to stop sharing. The same thing happens with kids, and hearing fake ad libs like “oh wow” is a turn off and makes people shut down. Tune into the conversation so you can engage in a genuine way.

4. Do you only want to talk when something is wrong? A lot of times people go about their day managing their kids. Meaning, if you look over the whole day of interactions all they did was give out directions “get dressed, clean up, come eat” and words are exchanged in relation to these tasks. Then something happens in the routine, there’s a snag, something is “wrong” and you want to talk about it “what’s wrong?” If the foundation of communication is not there, you probably won’t get much of a response, and they are thinking “why would I talk to you about this, when we don’t talk about anything else?” Be mindful and make sure you are taking time out to talk to your child just because or for the sake of bonding.

5. Do you only talk about school? I get it, kids spend a lot of time in school, but get this, kids spend a lot of time in school! They may not want to talk about it. Maybe if school is a fun place where all their friends are, and learning is the bestest they will happily share. But a lot of times school is just school, there’s nothing else to say about it. Or school may be a frustrating place where I get in trouble, or I feel stressed, then I don’t want to talk about it! School seems to be one of the main ways adults try to relate to kids, but they are multifaceted individuals. There are so many other things to explore in their world.

Take these notes and run, remember if it seems awkward for you, it’s probably awkward for them too, and that’s okay. The important thing is to keep showing up, they already love you.